I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. I’ve been dying to see the new Colin Farrell/Rachel Weisz film The Lobster. Because it’s in such a limited release, my local theater will never, ever receive the film. No biggie, right? I travel to other areas to see films all the time! Well, that’s what I did, last Sunday.
I drove an hour-and-a-half to a theater in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I saw that the film was showing at 1:20 and it was a day off, so I made the journey with no hesitation. When I got there, there was a piece of paper taped to the window that said, “The Internet lies! The Lobster is not playing here until next weekend.”
Well, that’s all fine and dandy for the people who can be in Chapel Hill, NC, next weekend. But I’m going out of town. For the next three weekends. So, after driving 90 minutes, I got back in my car and drove back home. I wasted time on a day off, gas, and mileage.
But, lo! I discovered that it would be playing at a theater six miles away from the hotel in which I sit right now, in the outskirts of Washington, D.C.. So, great! I’ll leave early after work and try to get there in time for the 4:20 show. If not, the 7:40 show will work, too!
So, I leave early. And it takes me two hours longer to arrive than it should have, due to traffic as I approached our nation’s capital. The 4:20 show is out. But the 7:20 show is still within sight. However, I still have to get to the hotel and eat. I’ve barely had anything all day and I’m famished.
I get within two-tenths of a mile of the hotel and suddenly, the road splits. On my GPS, it appears as if I’m supposed to go straight, but I can’t tell which way that should be: left or right. And there are no signs to guide me. I guess right.
It puts me back on the interstate, traffic and all. It’s at least another 30 minutes before I can get to an exit, turn around, and creep back to my hotel, which I finally locate.
By the time I check in and eat (my wait time was 30 minutes. My waitress forgot about me when I wanted a refill, a dessert, and my check.), it’s after 8:00. And I have to be up at 6:00 in the morning for my convention so no late movie for me. And, after this day, do I want to even risk trying to make it six miles and back without incident?
The movie won’t be playing at home. It won’t be playing where I am next weekend. The following weekend, I won’t have time. It will be three weeks before I can even hope to try again. And will I even be able to find it by that point? Maybe? I won’t be going back to that theater in Chapel Hill, I can promise, so somebody else will have to get it.
Why do so many people choose to live in or near a city where it takes an hour to drive ten miles? I unfortunately have a ticket for an event in D.C., next month, so I’ll be back. After that, it will take a lot for me to come back here. The traffic and god-awful highway engineering is more than enough to keep me away.
So, I’m sorry, The Lobster. We seem like such a perfect match for each other, but I’m afraid it may not be in the stars. Perhaps if I can’t find a way to see you in 45 days, I’ll be turned into an animal? If so, I choose a rhinoceros. Because the universe had no issues allowing me to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows and Rocksteady looked pretty awesome.
The Movie March! 
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